GILBERTO Y YO

Please skip this post if you want to maintain your respect for me.

A view of the bay at Zihuatanejo. And who is that young gentleman on the left? That's Gilberto (hard "g," a clue in retrospect).

As we were waiting for the bus to market on our first morning in Zihua, a white van passed us, screeched to a halt, backed up, and out emerged Gilberto. He told us he was working his way through university, where he was majoring in tourism, by introducing tourists to a new restaurant up the hill. The restaurant was offering free breakfasts that week in order to attract customers. Would we be interested in helping him and having a free breakfast the next day? And listening to a brief presentation? 90 minutes of our time, he said.

I could tell el sr J was sospechoso, as well he should have been. He was studiously looking for the bus in the other direction. I must still have a warm spot in my heart for jóvenes of a certain age, although I thought I was sick to death of them. Gilberto's English interested me. It was perfect student-jargon English, with "you guys" in almost every sentence. When he said, "I'll come wich you," I said "wich you"? Where did you learn English? He grew up in New York.

I said to el sr J, "one breakfast wouldn't be so bad, would it?"

Next morning Gilberto asked if we had ID. As we drove up the hill, we learned that he would get points if we filled certain criteria. Points for flashing a Visa card, points for being from US (we still have a house there), points for making at least $80,000 a year, points for not being retired, points for being under 65. Now we were on the slippery slope of point deception, but I agreed to everything.

When we entered the restaurant we were introduced to Selena (from Acapulco with a 7 year old daughter). Selena had breakfast with us and filled out a questionnaire about how we like to vacation. She asked if she could show us one of their apartments. (We should have left right then, but we didn't). She asked us if we had ever done this kind of thing (listen to a sales pitch for a new vacation development) in the US. We have, we said. In fact, we knew people in graduate school who made money doing it, because it was standard practice for the sales agents to offer you money to come look at their places.

But this place, as it turned out, operated on a different principle. It was a typical in some respects, sterile, faux-elegant with one of those infinity pools that spilled over the cliff. "Looks dangerous," I said, imagining children or drunks falling to their deaths.

Selena asked if we would meet her boss and in walked a big-bellied German named Norbert. (Father, who died last year, was 17 when WW II ended, was tight-fisted, and never bought a house. Mother afraid of flying so never visited her son. Children hardly ever visited him and when they did they cost him a lot of money). Norbert's there to talk money. He scratches out figures on a legal pad. He keeps changing them. "Do you have a brochure?" No, we don't want our competitors to know how good a deal you're getting. How does this sound: $26,000 for a week a year for 25 years? "We'll probably be dead in 25 years," I said. Guess what. You can will it to your children. The deal was, though, we had to decide right then. Pay on the spot. "We'll never do that. We're like your father."

We thought we were done, but just as we're getting up to leave, in walks Tony from Guadalajara. He can put us in a luxury apartment in Ixtapa so we can see how wonderful their resort there is and buy into it, and so we don't have to spend another day in Casa Tucanes, where their help stays. Oooo, the insult. Lots to do in Ixtapa. "We don't like Ixtapa," I said. And then Tony offered us points if we would just do it. Hey, Tony, I'm a point giver, not a point taker. And we left. We walked back down the hill.

Casa Pacífica. 5 stars! Exclusive! No buses allowed up the hill! The resort may be finished in 5 years, according to Gilberto. Only one of the projected 6 units is completed. If you stay there, the only Mexicans you will see are the ones waiting on you. NO BEACHFRONT! Only $26,000 (if you qualify). And it's such a good deal, scribbled on a legal pad, that you have to pay that day or you'll lose it. Go for it!